Elvis Pudding

The results of my annual physical? I have the cholesterol issues of a person raised in the back room of  a McDonald’s. There’s no point in my pretending to be shocked and/or appalled about that, but what is somewhat surprising is this meatbag I call a body hasn’t stiffened into the shape of a Tetris block from being parked in front of a computer all day. In the interest of living long enough to terrorize my grown children, some adjustments have to be made in terms of the crap thats being jammed into my porcine maw. The condiment recipes aren’t too bad in general (intentionally forgetting about the butter-fried saltines), but the garbage I eat in between posts could probably strip the paint off an airplane.

As the reigning queen of overkill, my fridge was purged of everything beige, brown, artificially colored, or flash-frozen and replaced by sometimes-mysterious produce from the nearby Korean grocery store. I’m doing my best to cook with this rabbit food and its turning my culinary life into Commander Keen 3 . Ah, another veteran gamer reference that dates me like the neon pink fanny pack I earned from selling a ton of hideous gift wrap in elementary school. Its been about two weeks since this crap-free thing started and most of the condiment-inclusive recipes are awful… mostly because I still don’t know how to cook. The only one (thus far) that I’m not ashamed to share is Elvis pudding.

Elvis pudding has kept me from going all crazy white girl on everyone and everything while my starving body screams for cheap meat, bread, and sugar. The King’s fans are already aware of his love for peanut butter & banana sandwiches… and now you are too. There are rumors of bacon being involved as well, but packeted/stealable version of salad bar bacon bits doesn’t jive with my dietary intentions (not having a heart attack by 31). The internet calls this a smoothie, but saying that word makes me want to slap anyone saying it including myself. Smyeeeeeewthee. Grrr. It’s pudding now.

Elvis Pudding


1 ripe or brown banana

2-3 tubs (2-3 tablespoons) of peanut butter

1 packet of honey (optional)


  • Mash the hell out of the banana until it turns into a fragrant puddle of goo
  • Stir or blend in peanut butter
  • Serve as is, refrigerate, or freeze into popsicles.

Huzzah for a gluten-free way to deal with old bananas. Sorry, banana bread… we hardly knew thee.