Spanish Rice Pilaf

I’ve been avoiding this recipe since the beginning because I think it’s a cop-out; pouring sauce on something isn’t really post-worthy. If one more person gets all glassy-eyed and says “OMG… how about Spanish rice with Taco Bell sauce” I’ll crack, throw my gallon bucket of TB packets at them, and storm off like a 9 year old who didn’t get the pony she wanted.

So here’s your Spanish rice. I used a small container of the enriched, nutrient-free white rice from Chinese takeout that had been sitting in the fridge for a few days. It was hard and foul, but by the power of packets it was saved! Papa John’s garlic sauce is turning out to be a favorite, especially after discovering it’s ability to transmute stale rice into a soft, luxurious pilaf.  It’s condiment alchemy, people… you saw it here first.

Spanish Rice Pilaf


1 puck of old white rice

1/2 tub of Papa John’s garlic sauce

1-2 packets of green Taco Bell sauce (for the illusion of vegetables)

2 packets of hot/mild/fire Taco Bell sauce (your choice)




  • Dump the rice into a bowl and pour the garlic dipping sauce over it
  • Microwave for 1 minute then stir with a fork or wisk until fluffy. Lawdy… how pilaf-like!
  • Mix in Taco Bell packets

The mouth-breathers at my local TB didn’t seem to understand  “fire roasted sauce” no matter how loudly or slowly I said it, so there isn’t any in this recipe. I suspect a packet of that would be a tasty addition though.

If your local pizza joint provides whole jalapeños with their pies, cut ’em in half and  stuff them with the finished rice. Toast them in the oven for about 15 minutes on 300° for awesome poppers.