Over the past 29.5 years, I’ve done all sorts of interesting stuff. Between working in an adult boutique (martial aides on commission = worst job in the world), to scouring Nushagak Bay, Alaska on a commercial fishing boat, to crafting jewelry out of roadkill as a primary source of income, to all sorts of stuff I won’t include because my parents read this and I’d like them to continue talking to me… I’ve lived a very full life.  Even with crazy crap like eating schnitzel at Hitler’s summer home under my belt, nothing could prepare me for the digestive horror of Creamersicles.

I actually made these a couple of days ago, but had to temporarily switch to a diet of  fresh veggies to recover before attempting to record the experience.  In an 8-hole popsicle mold from the dollar store, I mixed different ratios of flavored creamer and water. Surely more water would make the viscous creamer freeze more solidly, right? Not so much. It turns out that some creamers are thicker than others (chocolate resembles a runny pudding, amaretto is watery, etc.) so trying to find a universally good water:creamer ratio just isn’t going to happen.

When I told people I was going to do this, there were a lot of curled upper lips. Frozen chemical water on a stick does sound pretty foul, but thats pretty much what most commercial popsicles are anyway… so get over it.  The problem that seems to be impossible to get around is how fast these little bastards melt. The smaller the popsicle the better, since you only have a couple of minutes before your pretty blue dress is covered in creamer dribblins and all hell breaks loose.

About that “digestive horror” mentioned earlier; creamersicles (being non-dairy) invoked some serious windypops over here. Before you get all “holy crap, TMI!” on me, consider that it would be irresponsible to let people try this at home without being aware of potential side effects… and by side effects I mean room-clearing gas. There. I said it.


Enough flavored non-dairy creamer to fill a popsicle mold

  • Dump creamer containers into a cup and stir, since they settle/separate while sitting around
  • Empty cup into popsicle mold holes and insert popsicle sticks
  • Freeze for about 10-12 hours
  • Feed to frenemies , bad children, and spouses/partners that need a good humbling.

Creamersicles: even better if you don’t know whats in them.