I started writing this two days ago, right before eating seven eggs in about half an hour. The time since has been spent in a nauseous state of self loathing and avoidance of anything having to do with eggs (up to and including writing); this morning’s flavored creamer popsicle fiasco didn’t help anything either.
As I went to put the eggs on the stove, I realized that I only had a vague idea of how to prepare them. It must have been covered in Home Economics on one of the many days I was suspended from middle school, much like how put out kitchen fires and properly arrange a place setting. Feeling like a total moron, I Googled it… and after 20 minutes of reading up on the elaborate art of boiling a frickin’ egg felt less like a moron and more like someone who doesn’t give a crap about doing it “right”. All advice and instruction was ignored, as my perpetual quest for self-improvement does not include hovering over a pot of water like that awkward mouth-breathing tween who carried around his daddy’s back issues of Guns and Ammo . Keep in mind that growing up in the 90s, this didn’t necessarily foreshadow a kid going all crazylike on their peers; it was usually a harmless part of the weapon fetishism/questionable hygiene/caterpillar mustache triumvirate. Don’t pretend like your school didn’t have one. Yay nostalgia, now back to eggs.
As a result of skimming/disregarding protocol, some of my eggs cracked and grew tentacles. The others were fine, so the lessons learned here are to not drop them into the pot (water won’t break the fall) and start with cold water and gradually bring it to a boil rather than dumping eggs into a boiling pot. Go figure. 10 minutes at a boil seems to do the trick.
Deviled Eggs, Scavenger Style
6 hard boiled eggs
5 packets (about 4.5 tablespoons) mayonnaise
1 packet (.5 teaspoon) mustard
Optional: Horsey sauce (horseradish sauce from Arby’s), BK’s “zesty” sauce, grated parmesan, red pepper flakes, taco sauce, salt & pepper,etc.
- Cut eggs lengthwise and scoop the yolks into a bowl
- Mash yolks with mayonnaise and mustard until they become a smooth paste
- Spoon or pipe yolk mixture into concave portion of the egg whites
- Enjoy, but don’t be a dumbass and eat them all at once (like yours truly) or you’ll want to throw up for days.
The beauty of deviled eggs is that you can throw pretty much anything in there and it will taste decent. These are perfect to bring to brunches where you don’t care enough to bring a sandwich/fruit/veggie platter, but want to seem like you put the effort in.