Friday night mat farming

My Friday night shenanigans landed me in four different eateries and a gas station between dusk and dawn. Among McFuckyuck’s, Taco Bell, a local 24 hour diner, and IHOP, there were enough packets to sustain a girl for at least a couple of days… had they been snatched.

At Taco Bell, simply asking for all three kinds of sauce is  pretty much guaranteed to get you a fistful. Nobody behind the window is paid enough to care about counting packets.

McFuckyuck’s is a different story. It might not be this way at all franchise stores, but the one where I go for my soft serve fix charges 10 cents per sauce tub if you want any more than one. Ketchup and mustard? Sure… but if you want buffalo/sweet ‘n sour/ranch/honey mustard/hot mustard/salad dressing/whatever, start digging for change. I see why they do it, but have a hard time imagining the extreme condiment-glomming circumstances that led to the policy.  I got some chopped peanuts with my sundae, which will probably end up in cookies. By the way… I’ll stop calling them McFuckyucks when hell gets cold and they offer me a corporate sponsorship. I might even squelch my back burner crusade against the lip n’ asshole patties they call burgers.

I imagine dine-in situations being easier for our purposes; maybe one day my chubby ass will take that long waddle from car to counter and give it a shot. We suburbanites are used to having to drive everywhere, so the notion of  going in to an establishment for something we can do from our beloved sedentary position is somewhat exotic… and in the undesirable way.

The diner and IHOP would have been far more fruitful if I were the purse-carrying type.  Sugar and splenda are pretty easy to come by though, so missing out on emptying the table’s packet caddy wasn’t too big of a loss. I managed to shove a bunch of creamer into my bra without anyone noticing.

Something glorious happened at the gas station. Well, something potentially glorious. Flavored creamer, and mountains of it. So many flavors… which to pocket? I settled on a fistful of French vanilla, but will probably end up going back for a few of everything. Having no dairy, I’ve got absolutely no clue what these tiny tubs of thickened flavored water will be useful for.  Maybe flavoring syrup bases for confections? Substituting for water in baking desserts? Holy crap… flavored meringues. Yep… that’s what I’ll be doing tonight. To hell with going out and enjoying my precious youth on a Saturday night… I’ve got condiment packet meringues to make.

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